Last Words
by StuckInThePast
Summary: AU. After pleading guilty at his trial, John Bates tries one last time to explain himself to his wife. No spoilers past S2.


An AU look at the Anna/Bates/Vera triangle. I'm beginning to think that the only way to tie up this storyline, from a decent writer's perspective, is if John were the killer. And I'm not saying Fellowes will - we've seen how he handles storylines - but I'm saying if it were me, I might. And this is along the lines of how it would look.

**Last Words**

Dearest Anna,

I know you don't want to hear from me. And I shaln't blame you if you cast this into the fire, as I imagine you have all the others. But I have to try and explain myself to you. Not for the law or my own preservation - I shall hang whatever happens, now - but for your sake, I must explain.

I want you first to know that when I did it - when I killed Vera - it wasn't for the sake of our union. When I was with Vera, you hardly ever entered my thoughts. I was consumed with hatred in her company, and who could ever hate with you on their mind? I couldn't do it, so I banished you from my thoughts. Only then was I free to hate her. I had no idea we would marry when I killed her.

I'm sorry, Anna. I doubt this is bringing you much comfort. But I so want for you to feel no guilt for this. You didn't marry me because Vera was dead, you married me because you loved me. Anna, I didn't marry you because Vera was dead. Just as I couldn't be with her and think of you, I could never be with you and think of Vera. When I married you, I did so because I was, and still am, wholly and inevitably in love with you. Our marriage and Vera's death are unconnected, and I don't want you to connect them. You have no part in this. I need for you to know that, Anna, because I love you still. I know you don't want to hear it. I know you no longer love me. But I love you still.

When I returned from London, you asked me about the cut on my face, and I wouldn't tell you. You asked how it had gone, and I only said that it was bad. I now will tell you the whole of it.

God, I was so angry I thought I was going to be sick. I told you that I'd written to Vera. Well, I put more of my heart in that letter than I could admit to before you. You were always determined to see the good in me, Anna, and for that my soul thanks you, but you could never have understood my demons the way Vera did. I never feared being angry with her; she always gave as good as she got. Whenever I hurt you, you always returned love. You were so pure, so delicate, that I thought if I laid a finger on you it would break you. How wrong I was! How strong you have proven to be. I only hope - and even pray - that this hard truth will not break you. I know that it will hurt. I am sorry for that, Anna. I don't believe I'm sorry for killing Vera. It shames me, but I'm not sorry. I don't think I will be until I see the noose. But I'm sorry you were caught into it, and were hurt. You don't know what I'd do to wipe the last ten years away.

I'm delaying, Anna, and prolonging your pain. Forgive me.

I wrote the most furious letter to Vera, rife with threats. And when I arrived at the house I burnt it. It wasn't the rat poison I'd used; after that letter I knew I'd never have a chance to be alone. So I bought the arsenic that day in Lonndon, and when we went to the kitchen for tea I put it in the pastry when she wasn't looking.

Of course we fought like wild animals. You, Anna, will struggle to believe it. You always brought out the light in me and barely saw the darkness. Well, Vera was the opposite. And in the dark I can become a monster. If you'd seen me then you would have turned on your heel and run from me. I almost wish you had.

I didn't think. I chose not to that day. I only wanted her gone. I wanted to be rid of the darkness and that monster, and dared believe it all spawned from Vera.

No. There is still darkness in me. I dared believe I was free for a while, when I had your constant support, our marriage - that strengthened me. But since I have been in this hole, I have bullied and threatened and cut the men who troubled me. I just wanted to protect myself, truly, but I went the other way and they are all glad I will die. Do you know how it hurt to think of you and try to smile? You can't know what prison does to a man, Anna.

Wherever it could be done, though, you comforted me. Thank you for that, my - dare I call you my darling? Though you might hate me for it, you hold that place in my heart. My dear, I am so sorry. I never meant for you to be trapped in this mess of a life of mine. Please just know I only ever dreamt of good for you.

I'm sorry I loved and hurt you, Anna.

With the little my heart full of love is worth,

John Bates.


End file.
